Hey! Happy Monday! Can you believe it's the first day of November????? O.M.G!
So to take away some of the sting since Halloween is over and Christmas is way too close, I bring you today's list.
22 Worst Euphemism for the Male "Part"
(Eh-hmm...Making the title Safe for Work)
So you're innocently reading along and... Excuse me? A what?
In romance novels, I've seen it called all the usual things: penis, cock, erection, manhood, rod, shaft, dick, eh-hmm…member. But I’ve found some truly noteworthy and creative phrases over the years. It seems authors have been desperate not to use the aforementioned words, and by doing so...well, they've just made things...questionable.
So here’s my throbbing list of turgid euphemisms for the P-word.
I should note, that I absolutely did not make these up. They’re from real, published books. Here they are...with commentary.
Pillar of marble (sounds...rock-hard, I guess)
Lethal weapon in his pants (Does he have an STD???)
Jade stalk (Does he have gangrene?)
His meat or Man meat (Tastes like chicken? I can't even. Really.)
Thorn of lust (Ow…)
Shaft of creation (Yeah, I have nothing to say about this one)
Erect passion (Closely related to Pole of Passion)
Organ (Calling it this is always sooooo romantic)
His third arm Or His third leg (Does it have little fingers or toes?)
Raging beast of his desire (Run!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
Love Tool (What kind of batteries does it take? Does it come in sparkly colors?)
Tumescent tube of fire (Sounds like it might erupt at any moment. Which I guess...in retrospect...)
Dragon of his desire (Makes me think of a good M/M novel…Sir George and the Dragon)
The Bald Avenger (Geez… I WISH I was making these up…)
Manroot (A Bertrice Small special)
Promise of future delight (Is there a guaranteed refund if there’s a breach of promise?)
Love muscle (Lifting its own weight, 37 times a day)
Purple Tulip (Ummmmm…… I like tulips but, um, no, thank you?)
Velvet steel (Is this a new alloy or something? To be fair, I've seen velvet and steel used as adequate and quite acceptable descriptions. But as a name? Gonna have to give it a 3 out of 10)
His Tree of Life (See staff of creation…)
Weapon of flesh (I will defend you, Fair Moon Grotto--yes, I have seen that to describe the woman.)
Column of Flesh (I'd like to point out that this sounds like a Dungeons and Dragons monster. “You turn the corner and Oh No! It’s a Column of Flesh! I’m rolling for stats…”)
There you are. YOU. ARE. WELCOME :-)
Gosh, I think I need to go have a stiff drink.
Today, November 1, 2021
Well...other than scrambling because I just realized it's November 1 and I haven't done a bit of my Christmas shopping (usually I'm almost done by now), I am listening to Christmas music and writing lovely stories for everyone. I'm in a very silly mood with Holly and Rylan from Twelve Dates of Christmas (12/9). We've also got some hot sexing up with Room 15 (Nov 15). And just for good measure, I'm working on the final bits of Hers to Obey (Nov 25).
All around lots of fun!
Happy Monday!
~~ Brynn